Ever feel like you're going in circles? Welcome to my life.
For those of you that know me - you know, I'm a bit of a planner. Some might say I have an addiction to planning, labels and lists. I'm an organizational nut. Constantly rethinking the layout of our home to try to make it more functional. Thinking about the day ahead and what I can do to make it go along as smoothly as possible. Scanning flyers to ensure I'm getting the best deal possible on my purchases. My computer desktop is absolutely covered in electronic post it notes. To do lists for my husband, myself, our tech person, garden to do, errands to do, fun to do with the kids, long term to do, items to put in a yard sale, groceries to buy, long term house needs. If you think I'm kidding, I assure you, I'm not.
My list making is obviously a coping mechanism. A means to feel like I have control over my life. My lists ensure that no ideas (big or small) are forgotten, and for that reason - it relaxes me. But, the downside - what if you can't manage to stroke anything off the damn lists? Having two kids is keeping me jumping and I just don't have time to do the things on my lists. Furthermore, stuff that I really should be doing more of (like kicking back and playing with the kids), doesn't even make it on my lists and gets pushed aside in favour of being efficient. At the end of the day I look at the lists and I can only ever stroke one or two off...and then it happens....the feeling of failure sets in. Ugh. Then I start to beat myself up. Before I know it I'm snacking on the couch - completely paralyzed with anxiety.
I know many people would see my organizational skills as an asset. Believe me, as a political staffer - without a doubt. As a Mom, sure. As an anxious person - brutal. Believe me, I've thought of throwing caution to the wind and just "going with it". That phrase in itself gives me anxiety. LOL. I don't know how I would get through the day without referencing my lists! I feel like I'd get even less done (if that's even possible!). But, rationally, I know I'll be much happier if I let go a little and try to be in the moment more often. I've been a Mom for 3.5 years now and for some reason my expectations of what I can get done in a day are the exact same as when I was single. Old habits and negative thoughts die hard.
So, here is my mantra for the next week: be gentle with myself and realize that what is most important "to do" is what is not on any of my to do lists: enjoy life. Wish me luck.
