I'm struggling.

I feel completely bogged down by negative thoughts and flashbacks and I don't know how to rid myself of them.  There is no rhyme or reason to the memories that come up, but there is a common theme - it's always a memory that brings with it a feeling of shame, sorrow or regret.  More often than not, the flashbacks are of completely inconsequential moments in my life.  Something I said to someone that upon reflecting, I wonder if I offended them in some way.  Or something I did that I now feel was a mistake.

Everyone makes mistakes.  Everyone does things, thinks things, says things they regret.  But why do I have to relive those moments forever?  Why do they follow me with every step I take?  Why do they have to effect how I view myself and my abilities?  At what point can I forgive myself and just move on already?  I'm exhausted with the cycle and just want to get on with my life.

I've thought I need to make peace with each of the memories I seem to be reliving or with the people involved in the memories.  But the shear number of flashbacks I'm living through makes this task completely impossible.  Literally, hundreds a day.  The thoughts occupy not only my waking hours, but my sleep too.  Even after a full nights sleep, the bad dreams leave me so exhausted that I feel I haven't slept a wink. It's horrible and consequently makes me feel horrible about myself.

There are times I don't recognize the person I've become.  The Lindsay that exuded happiness and confidence still exists to the rest of the world, but inside I feel, well, numb.  Overcome.  Exhausted.  Helpless.  A victim.  For those that know me, I am not a victim.  I'm a proactive, take charge kinda gal.  But of late, these negative thoughts/memories are getting the best of me and I just don't know how to shake it and get back to loving myself.

How do you forgive and accept yourself?  Is there some sort of book that will guide me through this?  If I meditate for hours upon hours will I love myself again?  How do I shed this icky skin I'm carrying with me?  Suggestions welcome, I'm willing to do just about anything to feel like the old Lindsay again.

Ready to write...

Well, here I am.  Finally.  It has been over 12 years since I have written anything for the pure pleasure of it.  In high school I had my own column in the local newspaper for my small town.  Something called "teen beat" or something similarly goofy.  I wrote whatever I felt like that week and just put it out there into the world.  Looking back - it was incredibly brave to bare my soul to the world at such a young age. The truth of the matter is - for 12 years I have obsessed about things I said in those articles and it has made me gun shy about "baring all" again. I won't even go near the binder with the articles in it, let alone read an article. It frightens me.


Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm an open book.  Really, you could ask me just about anything and I'd lay out the honest truth to the question.  But, there's a lot that goes on in this brain of mine that I keep to myself of late.  A lot of anxious thoughts that I can't seem to sort out.  I'm medicated, I've done therapy, but nothing is helping these days.  In trying to find coping mechanisms for this anxiety, I remembered how good it used to feel when I wrote my column.  Just whatever came to mind - hammering it out on the keyboard and hitting send (well, actually...hitting save...to a floppy disk. OMG I'm getting old!).  Subsequently, I also remember the anxiety that came with reading the newspaper that week and wondering which of my fellow students (if any) read it too.  But, here's the thing - as years have gone by I've learned that more often than not, when you open up and share, the world helps you through.  The support you receive for your honesty, far outweighs any negative feedback you get back.


So, I'm going to plunge in and attempt to get "me" sorted out.  :)  Sometimes it might just be verbal diarrhea, sometimes kinda heavy, sometimes funny, sometimes just anxious rambling - I dunno what I'll write about.  I do know, however, that what I write will be from the heart, honest and frankly...for my own enjoyment and healing.  If it helps someone else going through a rough time with anxiety - awesome, but for the time being I'm gonna put it out there and see how it feels.  


Here goes nothing....