One of "those" days

Today was one of "those" days.  A day you want to hide under the covers and never come out.  There was no reason to feel this way, no event that "tipped me off", nothing abnormal about the routine for the day, just "one of those days".

For the most part, my anxiety is fairly well controlled, but every so often, it bears down on me and likes to show me who's boss.  The anxiety makes the smallest of decisions seem overwhelming.  What to serve the kids for breakfast feels like the absolute end of the world.  Every single little decision carries with it a sense of dread, fear, guilt, shame, and failure.  I literally feel like I'm drowning.  Or sinking.  I become paralyzed.  My brain is overflowing and yet I can't seem to rouse my body to action.  I can't even have a shower.

The physical symptoms are terrifying: shortness of breath (it's as if someone is sitting on my chest), heart palpitations, fatigue, dizziness, tension headaches, and a general sense of panic.

When I have an anxiety "flare up" I feel horrible enough, but add to that the Mommy guilt and voila... the perfect storm of anxiety & guilt. It is literally debilitating.  I can't decide what to play with the kids, so I don't.  I know they need some exercise, but I can't decide what park to go to, so I don't.  They have to be fed, but even boiling water seems like a chore, so PBJ sandwiches it is.  The feeling of failure sets in, all the negative thoughts about what kind of a Mom I am circle in my head, endlessly on "repeat".  Before you know it, I'm even further paralyzed and all I can do is cry.  Heck, sometimes I can't even decide to cry or not (perhaps the most frustrating feeling on earth!).

In the end, I forced myself to shower (it took me until noon to finally convince myself I could do it) and headed to my Father in-laws for a couple hours so the kids could play and have some social time.  I feel slightly better as a result of getting out of the house, but the feeling of emptiness and failure lingers.

Lets hope tomorrow is an altogether different type of day.  Please.  Please let tomorrow be different.  Different and better.