I'm struggling.

I feel completely bogged down by negative thoughts and flashbacks and I don't know how to rid myself of them.  There is no rhyme or reason to the memories that come up, but there is a common theme - it's always a memory that brings with it a feeling of shame, sorrow or regret.  More often than not, the flashbacks are of completely inconsequential moments in my life.  Something I said to someone that upon reflecting, I wonder if I offended them in some way.  Or something I did that I now feel was a mistake.

Everyone makes mistakes.  Everyone does things, thinks things, says things they regret.  But why do I have to relive those moments forever?  Why do they follow me with every step I take?  Why do they have to effect how I view myself and my abilities?  At what point can I forgive myself and just move on already?  I'm exhausted with the cycle and just want to get on with my life.

I've thought I need to make peace with each of the memories I seem to be reliving or with the people involved in the memories.  But the shear number of flashbacks I'm living through makes this task completely impossible.  Literally, hundreds a day.  The thoughts occupy not only my waking hours, but my sleep too.  Even after a full nights sleep, the bad dreams leave me so exhausted that I feel I haven't slept a wink. It's horrible and consequently makes me feel horrible about myself.

There are times I don't recognize the person I've become.  The Lindsay that exuded happiness and confidence still exists to the rest of the world, but inside I feel, well, numb.  Overcome.  Exhausted.  Helpless.  A victim.  For those that know me, I am not a victim.  I'm a proactive, take charge kinda gal.  But of late, these negative thoughts/memories are getting the best of me and I just don't know how to shake it and get back to loving myself.

How do you forgive and accept yourself?  Is there some sort of book that will guide me through this?  If I meditate for hours upon hours will I love myself again?  How do I shed this icky skin I'm carrying with me?  Suggestions welcome, I'm willing to do just about anything to feel like the old Lindsay again.