Today was one of "those" days. A day you want to hide under the covers and never come out. There was no reason to feel this way, no event that "tipped me off", nothing abnormal about the routine for the day, just "one of those days".
For the most part, my anxiety is fairly well controlled, but every so often, it bears down on me and likes to show me who's boss. The anxiety makes the smallest of decisions seem overwhelming. What to serve the kids for breakfast feels like the absolute end of the world. Every single little decision carries with it a sense of dread, fear, guilt, shame, and failure. I literally feel like I'm drowning. Or sinking. I become paralyzed. My brain is overflowing and yet I can't seem to rouse my body to action. I can't even have a shower.
The physical symptoms are terrifying: shortness of breath (it's as if someone is sitting on my chest), heart palpitations, fatigue, dizziness, tension headaches, and a general sense of panic.
When I have an anxiety "flare up" I feel horrible enough, but add to that the Mommy guilt and voila... the perfect storm of anxiety & guilt. It is literally debilitating. I can't decide what to play with the kids, so I don't. I know they need some exercise, but I can't decide what park to go to, so I don't. They have to be fed, but even boiling water seems like a chore, so PBJ sandwiches it is. The feeling of failure sets in, all the negative thoughts about what kind of a Mom I am circle in my head, endlessly on "repeat". Before you know it, I'm even further paralyzed and all I can do is cry. Heck, sometimes I can't even decide to cry or not (perhaps the most frustrating feeling on earth!).
In the end, I forced myself to shower (it took me until noon to finally convince myself I could do it) and headed to my Father in-laws for a couple hours so the kids could play and have some social time. I feel slightly better as a result of getting out of the house, but the feeling of emptiness and failure lingers.
Lets hope tomorrow is an altogether different type of day. Please. Please let tomorrow be different. Different and better.
Wednesday, 29 August 2012
Friday, 18 May 2012
The Control Monster
Ever feel like you're going in circles? Welcome to my life.
For those of you that know me - you know, I'm a bit of a planner. Some might say I have an addiction to planning, labels and lists. I'm an organizational nut. Constantly rethinking the layout of our home to try to make it more functional. Thinking about the day ahead and what I can do to make it go along as smoothly as possible. Scanning flyers to ensure I'm getting the best deal possible on my purchases. My computer desktop is absolutely covered in electronic post it notes. To do lists for my husband, myself, our tech person, garden to do, errands to do, fun to do with the kids, long term to do, items to put in a yard sale, groceries to buy, long term house needs. If you think I'm kidding, I assure you, I'm not.
My list making is obviously a coping mechanism. A means to feel like I have control over my life. My lists ensure that no ideas (big or small) are forgotten, and for that reason - it relaxes me. But, the downside - what if you can't manage to stroke anything off the damn lists? Having two kids is keeping me jumping and I just don't have time to do the things on my lists. Furthermore, stuff that I really should be doing more of (like kicking back and playing with the kids), doesn't even make it on my lists and gets pushed aside in favour of being efficient. At the end of the day I look at the lists and I can only ever stroke one or two off...and then it happens....the feeling of failure sets in. Ugh. Then I start to beat myself up. Before I know it I'm snacking on the couch - completely paralyzed with anxiety.
I know many people would see my organizational skills as an asset. Believe me, as a political staffer - without a doubt. As a Mom, sure. As an anxious person - brutal. Believe me, I've thought of throwing caution to the wind and just "going with it". That phrase in itself gives me anxiety. LOL. I don't know how I would get through the day without referencing my lists! I feel like I'd get even less done (if that's even possible!). But, rationally, I know I'll be much happier if I let go a little and try to be in the moment more often. I've been a Mom for 3.5 years now and for some reason my expectations of what I can get done in a day are the exact same as when I was single. Old habits and negative thoughts die hard.
So, here is my mantra for the next week: be gentle with myself and realize that what is most important "to do" is what is not on any of my to do lists: enjoy life. Wish me luck.
For those of you that know me - you know, I'm a bit of a planner. Some might say I have an addiction to planning, labels and lists. I'm an organizational nut. Constantly rethinking the layout of our home to try to make it more functional. Thinking about the day ahead and what I can do to make it go along as smoothly as possible. Scanning flyers to ensure I'm getting the best deal possible on my purchases. My computer desktop is absolutely covered in electronic post it notes. To do lists for my husband, myself, our tech person, garden to do, errands to do, fun to do with the kids, long term to do, items to put in a yard sale, groceries to buy, long term house needs. If you think I'm kidding, I assure you, I'm not.
My list making is obviously a coping mechanism. A means to feel like I have control over my life. My lists ensure that no ideas (big or small) are forgotten, and for that reason - it relaxes me. But, the downside - what if you can't manage to stroke anything off the damn lists? Having two kids is keeping me jumping and I just don't have time to do the things on my lists. Furthermore, stuff that I really should be doing more of (like kicking back and playing with the kids), doesn't even make it on my lists and gets pushed aside in favour of being efficient. At the end of the day I look at the lists and I can only ever stroke one or two off...and then it happens....the feeling of failure sets in. Ugh. Then I start to beat myself up. Before I know it I'm snacking on the couch - completely paralyzed with anxiety.
I know many people would see my organizational skills as an asset. Believe me, as a political staffer - without a doubt. As a Mom, sure. As an anxious person - brutal. Believe me, I've thought of throwing caution to the wind and just "going with it". That phrase in itself gives me anxiety. LOL. I don't know how I would get through the day without referencing my lists! I feel like I'd get even less done (if that's even possible!). But, rationally, I know I'll be much happier if I let go a little and try to be in the moment more often. I've been a Mom for 3.5 years now and for some reason my expectations of what I can get done in a day are the exact same as when I was single. Old habits and negative thoughts die hard.
So, here is my mantra for the next week: be gentle with myself and realize that what is most important "to do" is what is not on any of my to do lists: enjoy life. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
I'm learning an important lesson today - don't go off your anxiety meds. I renewed my Rx by phone a couple days ago, but I haven't had a chance to pick up the meds. More like, I didn't make it a priority to do so. I've been two days without the meds and it isn't pretty. I have been feeling so great lately. I think I convinced myself I didn't really need to medicate my anxiety. Turns out, not so.
Apparently without Zoloft I turn into an angry rage machine who is unable to cope with the world. I can't breathe, my heart is racing, I can't concentrate, think, or see straight. I want to cry and scream at the same time. The physiological effects are no fun either: electrical pulse sensations through my face and limbs, headaches and dizziness.
I was totally caught off guard by the level of anxiety I'm experiencing. Am I really THIS anxious? Is this who I really am? An angry, grumpy, downer? How in the world did I get through my day with this kind of anxiety pre-medication? No wonder depression and anxiety often come together...when it is impossible to cope with the smallest of issues, you start to feel hopeless.
I realize some of these feelings may be due to withdrawal. I just cannot believe this is "me" at my stripped down state. I had hoped to come off the medication sometime soon, but all those hopes just went out the window today. I'm okay with that, anything to avoid this state of being. Sheesh.
Hubby just arrived with the meds...excuse me while I go gulp 'em down.
Apparently without Zoloft I turn into an angry rage machine who is unable to cope with the world. I can't breathe, my heart is racing, I can't concentrate, think, or see straight. I want to cry and scream at the same time. The physiological effects are no fun either: electrical pulse sensations through my face and limbs, headaches and dizziness.
I was totally caught off guard by the level of anxiety I'm experiencing. Am I really THIS anxious? Is this who I really am? An angry, grumpy, downer? How in the world did I get through my day with this kind of anxiety pre-medication? No wonder depression and anxiety often come together...when it is impossible to cope with the smallest of issues, you start to feel hopeless.
I realize some of these feelings may be due to withdrawal. I just cannot believe this is "me" at my stripped down state. I had hoped to come off the medication sometime soon, but all those hopes just went out the window today. I'm okay with that, anything to avoid this state of being. Sheesh.
Hubby just arrived with the meds...excuse me while I go gulp 'em down.
Saturday, 3 March 2012
Top 10 ways to take a chill pill (without taking a pill)
Hola fellow anxious peeps!
I'm feeling better these days and I think it's due to some very small and simple things I've changed about my day to day life. Thank you to everyone for your advice on things I can do to quell my anxiety. I've taken your advice and have a bit of my own to share. :)
1. Sleep routine
I've been reading a sleep training book with my son (age 9 mos) in mind. Turns out, it has helped me too! Our bodies have a clock and we need to listen to it. Everyone knows you should go to bed around the same time, but one thing I took for granted was the time you got up. I've got myself on a steady schedule and although it's not ideal, it's a start. I am a notorious night owl - have been that way since I was a kid. So, bedtime for me is midnight. I know, wtf?! But, it's better than 1 or 2am. I'll start gradually pushing it back in time. And I wake up at 7am. No matter how long the kids may sleep in - I get up at 7am. And oh my god do I feel good.
2. No caffeine
After the urging of many of you, I've given up caffeine. Not completely, but caffeine on a schedule at least. I used to wake up and run directly for the coffee maker. My routine was that I had to have my coffee before I did anything else. What a bunch of bs. I would have my coffee, check my facebook and before I knew what happened, it was an hour later and I'd accomplished nothing. Not to mention I was becoming addicted. Coffee at wake up, another by mid morning and by afternoon I was jonesing for a diet coke. Plus, the jitters and mind racing - ugh! My head feels so much clearer now. If I feel like having a tea or coffee, I will. But not because I "need" to or because it's my routine. It will be because I enjoy the comfort, the warmth and the taste.
3. Just do it
As mentioned above - I had worked myself into a bad morning routine. The sleep training book also taught me something else: the dramatic wake up. Your body needs to know the difference between day and night in order to feel awake. So, as soon as I wake up, I open the blinds and get to business. Shoot yourself out of bed like a cannon. Literally - run as far away from that cozy bed as possible. The bed is evil. Whatever I dread most about my day - I do first. Get it out of the way and move on. For me, it's the chores. So, I start the dishwasher, put a load of laundry in, sweep the floors and tidy. By 9am I feel like I've already accomplished something and can pat myself on the back. If nothing else comes of today - the house started tidy (and then in 10 minutes the kids will come out and tear it apart again). Whatever you're dreading the most - that phone call you have to make, bathing the dog, figuring out what to do for dinner - whatever it is, big or small - just do it.
4. Pump up the sound
Silence makes me sleepy. Sleepy = wanting to lay in bed. Laying in bed = depressed. So, as soon as I get up I turn on a high energy radio station or play my energy playlist from itunes. Music just gives you that little extra hop in your step you need to keep going sometimes.
5. Manage expectations
I love making lists. It gives me peace of mind so the thoughts aren't swirling in my head: "I must remember to...". The downside of lists is at the end of the day, if you haven't scratched out most/all of them, you feel like a failure. So, I've started to manage my expectations. I used to try to do a billion errands with the kids in tow. Exhausting and frustrating. Now I limit myself to one a day. One activity, one trip into a store, one visit with family or friends. I also make a "today" to do list and a general to do list. The "today" list is no more than 5 items (big or small) with the intention of the list being completely achievable. If I think I "might" have time to do one thing or another - it doesn't go on the list.
6. Lighten up
Stop beating yourself up! Man, I treat myself like crap. It's horrible! Comparing myself to other Moms constantly... "I bet so so and so made their kids a hot breakfast from scratch, you just gave the kids yogurt". Seriously Lindsay? Seriously? Way to go for "so and so", that's awesome, but it ain't me and it ain't gonna happen unless it's Xmas Day. It's amazing the stuff we kick ourselves for without intentionally meaning to. Also, if the day doesn't go as planned - so what?! If you don't get everything on the list done today - so what?! Life goes on. You're still a good person, the kids love you, the world isn't going to end.
7. Take the good with the bad
Stuff happens. That unexpected phone call from a family member saying they're on their way to hospital via ambulance. Yup, I get that call every couple months and it throws my whole day out the window. Hell, my whole week. From that instant I know I've got an exhausting few days ahead of me - accept it and get on with it.
8. Get help
Alright, alright...you all pleaded with me to go back to the therapist. So I am. Once a month. Sheesh, you guys sure love me. xoxo
9. Step away from the idiot box
Both the tv and the computer are a complete time suck. Spend more time rolling around on the floor playing with the kids and less time on your butt. Or, crazy idea - read a book. I had forgotten how relaxing it is to turn on some classical music, sip warm tea (decaf) and lose yourself in a book. If you feel like watching tv, watch a movie. Take time to "lose yourself" in a movie instead of watching a 30 minute show, then choosing another 30 minute show, then another. Turn down the lights, make some popcorn and snuggle in with a pillow and blanket. That way, at least if you're in front of the idiot box, at least you are turning your brain off for a full 2 hours.
10. Positive reinforcement
Be kind to yourself. Whatever you catch yourself beating yourself up about, turn it around. For instance, I often catch myself saying I could be a better mom, wife, friend. So, several times a day I make a point of telling myself "I'm a good Mom" etc. It reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit where the guy looks in the mirror and says "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it I can..." I don't remember the rest. :) You feel stupid doing it sometimes, but it makes a big difference in how you feel about yourself.
So there you have it. I hope the list can help you in some way or another. If nothing else, the list will be a reminder to myself to keep on track with good healthy habits. I'm far from healed, but on the road to recovery at least.
I'm feeling better these days and I think it's due to some very small and simple things I've changed about my day to day life. Thank you to everyone for your advice on things I can do to quell my anxiety. I've taken your advice and have a bit of my own to share. :)
1. Sleep routine
I've been reading a sleep training book with my son (age 9 mos) in mind. Turns out, it has helped me too! Our bodies have a clock and we need to listen to it. Everyone knows you should go to bed around the same time, but one thing I took for granted was the time you got up. I've got myself on a steady schedule and although it's not ideal, it's a start. I am a notorious night owl - have been that way since I was a kid. So, bedtime for me is midnight. I know, wtf?! But, it's better than 1 or 2am. I'll start gradually pushing it back in time. And I wake up at 7am. No matter how long the kids may sleep in - I get up at 7am. And oh my god do I feel good.
2. No caffeine
After the urging of many of you, I've given up caffeine. Not completely, but caffeine on a schedule at least. I used to wake up and run directly for the coffee maker. My routine was that I had to have my coffee before I did anything else. What a bunch of bs. I would have my coffee, check my facebook and before I knew what happened, it was an hour later and I'd accomplished nothing. Not to mention I was becoming addicted. Coffee at wake up, another by mid morning and by afternoon I was jonesing for a diet coke. Plus, the jitters and mind racing - ugh! My head feels so much clearer now. If I feel like having a tea or coffee, I will. But not because I "need" to or because it's my routine. It will be because I enjoy the comfort, the warmth and the taste.
3. Just do it
As mentioned above - I had worked myself into a bad morning routine. The sleep training book also taught me something else: the dramatic wake up. Your body needs to know the difference between day and night in order to feel awake. So, as soon as I wake up, I open the blinds and get to business. Shoot yourself out of bed like a cannon. Literally - run as far away from that cozy bed as possible. The bed is evil. Whatever I dread most about my day - I do first. Get it out of the way and move on. For me, it's the chores. So, I start the dishwasher, put a load of laundry in, sweep the floors and tidy. By 9am I feel like I've already accomplished something and can pat myself on the back. If nothing else comes of today - the house started tidy (and then in 10 minutes the kids will come out and tear it apart again). Whatever you're dreading the most - that phone call you have to make, bathing the dog, figuring out what to do for dinner - whatever it is, big or small - just do it.
4. Pump up the sound
Silence makes me sleepy. Sleepy = wanting to lay in bed. Laying in bed = depressed. So, as soon as I get up I turn on a high energy radio station or play my energy playlist from itunes. Music just gives you that little extra hop in your step you need to keep going sometimes.
5. Manage expectations
I love making lists. It gives me peace of mind so the thoughts aren't swirling in my head: "I must remember to...". The downside of lists is at the end of the day, if you haven't scratched out most/all of them, you feel like a failure. So, I've started to manage my expectations. I used to try to do a billion errands with the kids in tow. Exhausting and frustrating. Now I limit myself to one a day. One activity, one trip into a store, one visit with family or friends. I also make a "today" to do list and a general to do list. The "today" list is no more than 5 items (big or small) with the intention of the list being completely achievable. If I think I "might" have time to do one thing or another - it doesn't go on the list.
6. Lighten up
Stop beating yourself up! Man, I treat myself like crap. It's horrible! Comparing myself to other Moms constantly... "I bet so so and so made their kids a hot breakfast from scratch, you just gave the kids yogurt". Seriously Lindsay? Seriously? Way to go for "so and so", that's awesome, but it ain't me and it ain't gonna happen unless it's Xmas Day. It's amazing the stuff we kick ourselves for without intentionally meaning to. Also, if the day doesn't go as planned - so what?! If you don't get everything on the list done today - so what?! Life goes on. You're still a good person, the kids love you, the world isn't going to end.
7. Take the good with the bad
Stuff happens. That unexpected phone call from a family member saying they're on their way to hospital via ambulance. Yup, I get that call every couple months and it throws my whole day out the window. Hell, my whole week. From that instant I know I've got an exhausting few days ahead of me - accept it and get on with it.
8. Get help
Alright, alright...you all pleaded with me to go back to the therapist. So I am. Once a month. Sheesh, you guys sure love me. xoxo
9. Step away from the idiot box
Both the tv and the computer are a complete time suck. Spend more time rolling around on the floor playing with the kids and less time on your butt. Or, crazy idea - read a book. I had forgotten how relaxing it is to turn on some classical music, sip warm tea (decaf) and lose yourself in a book. If you feel like watching tv, watch a movie. Take time to "lose yourself" in a movie instead of watching a 30 minute show, then choosing another 30 minute show, then another. Turn down the lights, make some popcorn and snuggle in with a pillow and blanket. That way, at least if you're in front of the idiot box, at least you are turning your brain off for a full 2 hours.
10. Positive reinforcement
Be kind to yourself. Whatever you catch yourself beating yourself up about, turn it around. For instance, I often catch myself saying I could be a better mom, wife, friend. So, several times a day I make a point of telling myself "I'm a good Mom" etc. It reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit where the guy looks in the mirror and says "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it I can..." I don't remember the rest. :) You feel stupid doing it sometimes, but it makes a big difference in how you feel about yourself.
So there you have it. I hope the list can help you in some way or another. If nothing else, the list will be a reminder to myself to keep on track with good healthy habits. I'm far from healed, but on the road to recovery at least.
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
Let's talk
First of all, I just wanted to say thank you so much for all the love I received after my last blog post. The number of people who have shared their very personal stories with me has been staggering. The words of encouragement and comfort have meant the world to me. What has been most shocking is how many people said they have the same thoughts/problems and reading my words helped them to feel less isolated. I started this blog as therapy for myself, but to hear I've helped someone else (even just a little bit) makes baring my heart to the world completely worthwhile.
Today is Bell Let's Talk day. I have to say - Bell has hit the nail on the head with their campaign. Talking about my anxiety and depression is the number one thing that makes me feel better. Why? Because letting go of the shame feels good. 1 in 5 Canadians will experience some form of mental illness in their lifetime, yet so few people talk about it. The fear of being labelled "crazy" or "unstable" is always on my mind when I write this blog. Depression should not be shameful. It is a medical condition.
I encourage you to follow this link and get some facts about depression. http://letstalk.bell.ca/en/perspective.php Here are a couple stories I could relate to or was encouraged by: http://youtu.be/Cv1p-yBolZ0 and http://youtu.be/PdDvrWiiXkY
Today, for every text message sent and every long distance call made by Bell and Bell Aliant customers, Bell will donate 5 cents to mental health programs.
If you're struggling, tell someone. Get help. At any given time, almost 3 million Canadians have serious depression. You are NOT alone. You'll be surprised how good it feels to come clean with yourself and those you love. And the best part - the love you'll receive in return.
Today is Bell Let's Talk day. I have to say - Bell has hit the nail on the head with their campaign. Talking about my anxiety and depression is the number one thing that makes me feel better. Why? Because letting go of the shame feels good. 1 in 5 Canadians will experience some form of mental illness in their lifetime, yet so few people talk about it. The fear of being labelled "crazy" or "unstable" is always on my mind when I write this blog. Depression should not be shameful. It is a medical condition.
I encourage you to follow this link and get some facts about depression. http://letstalk.bell.ca/en/perspective.php Here are a couple stories I could relate to or was encouraged by: http://youtu.be/Cv1p-yBolZ0 and http://youtu.be/PdDvrWiiXkY
Today, for every text message sent and every long distance call made by Bell and Bell Aliant customers, Bell will donate 5 cents to mental health programs.
If you're struggling, tell someone. Get help. At any given time, almost 3 million Canadians have serious depression. You are NOT alone. You'll be surprised how good it feels to come clean with yourself and those you love. And the best part - the love you'll receive in return.
Sunday, 29 January 2012
I'm struggling.
I feel completely bogged down by negative thoughts and flashbacks and I don't know how to rid myself of them. There is no rhyme or reason to the memories that come up, but there is a common theme - it's always a memory that brings with it a feeling of shame, sorrow or regret. More often than not, the flashbacks are of completely inconsequential moments in my life. Something I said to someone that upon reflecting, I wonder if I offended them in some way. Or something I did that I now feel was a mistake.
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone does things, thinks things, says things they regret. But why do I have to relive those moments forever? Why do they follow me with every step I take? Why do they have to effect how I view myself and my abilities? At what point can I forgive myself and just move on already? I'm exhausted with the cycle and just want to get on with my life.
I've thought I need to make peace with each of the memories I seem to be reliving or with the people involved in the memories. But the shear number of flashbacks I'm living through makes this task completely impossible. Literally, hundreds a day. The thoughts occupy not only my waking hours, but my sleep too. Even after a full nights sleep, the bad dreams leave me so exhausted that I feel I haven't slept a wink. It's horrible and consequently makes me feel horrible about myself.
There are times I don't recognize the person I've become. The Lindsay that exuded happiness and confidence still exists to the rest of the world, but inside I feel, well, numb. Overcome. Exhausted. Helpless. A victim. For those that know me, I am not a victim. I'm a proactive, take charge kinda gal. But of late, these negative thoughts/memories are getting the best of me and I just don't know how to shake it and get back to loving myself.
How do you forgive and accept yourself? Is there some sort of book that will guide me through this? If I meditate for hours upon hours will I love myself again? How do I shed this icky skin I'm carrying with me? Suggestions welcome, I'm willing to do just about anything to feel like the old Lindsay again.
I feel completely bogged down by negative thoughts and flashbacks and I don't know how to rid myself of them. There is no rhyme or reason to the memories that come up, but there is a common theme - it's always a memory that brings with it a feeling of shame, sorrow or regret. More often than not, the flashbacks are of completely inconsequential moments in my life. Something I said to someone that upon reflecting, I wonder if I offended them in some way. Or something I did that I now feel was a mistake.
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone does things, thinks things, says things they regret. But why do I have to relive those moments forever? Why do they follow me with every step I take? Why do they have to effect how I view myself and my abilities? At what point can I forgive myself and just move on already? I'm exhausted with the cycle and just want to get on with my life.
I've thought I need to make peace with each of the memories I seem to be reliving or with the people involved in the memories. But the shear number of flashbacks I'm living through makes this task completely impossible. Literally, hundreds a day. The thoughts occupy not only my waking hours, but my sleep too. Even after a full nights sleep, the bad dreams leave me so exhausted that I feel I haven't slept a wink. It's horrible and consequently makes me feel horrible about myself.
There are times I don't recognize the person I've become. The Lindsay that exuded happiness and confidence still exists to the rest of the world, but inside I feel, well, numb. Overcome. Exhausted. Helpless. A victim. For those that know me, I am not a victim. I'm a proactive, take charge kinda gal. But of late, these negative thoughts/memories are getting the best of me and I just don't know how to shake it and get back to loving myself.
How do you forgive and accept yourself? Is there some sort of book that will guide me through this? If I meditate for hours upon hours will I love myself again? How do I shed this icky skin I'm carrying with me? Suggestions welcome, I'm willing to do just about anything to feel like the old Lindsay again.
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Ready to write...
Well, here I am. Finally. It has been over 12 years since I have written anything for the pure pleasure of it. In high school I had my own column in the local newspaper for my small town. Something called "teen beat" or something similarly goofy. I wrote whatever I felt like that week and just put it out there into the world. Looking back - it was incredibly brave to bare my soul to the world at such a young age. The truth of the matter is - for 12 years I have obsessed about things I said in those articles and it has made me gun shy about "baring all" again. I won't even go near the binder with the articles in it, let alone read an article. It frightens me.
Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm an open book. Really, you could ask me just about anything and I'd lay out the honest truth to the question. But, there's a lot that goes on in this brain of mine that I keep to myself of late. A lot of anxious thoughts that I can't seem to sort out. I'm medicated, I've done therapy, but nothing is helping these days. In trying to find coping mechanisms for this anxiety, I remembered how good it used to feel when I wrote my column. Just whatever came to mind - hammering it out on the keyboard and hitting send (well, actually...hitting save...to a floppy disk. OMG I'm getting old!). Subsequently, I also remember the anxiety that came with reading the newspaper that week and wondering which of my fellow students (if any) read it too. But, here's the thing - as years have gone by I've learned that more often than not, when you open up and share, the world helps you through. The support you receive for your honesty, far outweighs any negative feedback you get back.
So, I'm going to plunge in and attempt to get "me" sorted out. :) Sometimes it might just be verbal diarrhea, sometimes kinda heavy, sometimes funny, sometimes just anxious rambling - I dunno what I'll write about. I do know, however, that what I write will be from the heart, honest and frankly...for my own enjoyment and healing. If it helps someone else going through a rough time with anxiety - awesome, but for the time being I'm gonna put it out there and see how it feels.
Here goes nothing....
Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm an open book. Really, you could ask me just about anything and I'd lay out the honest truth to the question. But, there's a lot that goes on in this brain of mine that I keep to myself of late. A lot of anxious thoughts that I can't seem to sort out. I'm medicated, I've done therapy, but nothing is helping these days. In trying to find coping mechanisms for this anxiety, I remembered how good it used to feel when I wrote my column. Just whatever came to mind - hammering it out on the keyboard and hitting send (well, actually...hitting save...to a floppy disk. OMG I'm getting old!). Subsequently, I also remember the anxiety that came with reading the newspaper that week and wondering which of my fellow students (if any) read it too. But, here's the thing - as years have gone by I've learned that more often than not, when you open up and share, the world helps you through. The support you receive for your honesty, far outweighs any negative feedback you get back.
So, I'm going to plunge in and attempt to get "me" sorted out. :) Sometimes it might just be verbal diarrhea, sometimes kinda heavy, sometimes funny, sometimes just anxious rambling - I dunno what I'll write about. I do know, however, that what I write will be from the heart, honest and frankly...for my own enjoyment and healing. If it helps someone else going through a rough time with anxiety - awesome, but for the time being I'm gonna put it out there and see how it feels.
Here goes nothing....
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