Top 10 ways to take a chill pill (without taking a pill)

Hola fellow anxious peeps!

I'm feeling better these days and I think it's due to some very small and simple things I've changed about my day to day life.  Thank you to  everyone for your advice on things I can do to quell my anxiety.  I've taken your advice and have a bit of my own to share.  :)

1. Sleep routine

I've been reading a sleep training book with my son (age 9 mos) in mind.  Turns out, it has helped me too!  Our bodies have a clock and we need to listen to it.  Everyone knows you should go to bed around the same time, but one thing I took for granted was the time you got up.  I've got myself on a steady schedule and although it's not ideal, it's a start.  I am a notorious night owl - have been that way since I was a kid.  So, bedtime for me is midnight.  I know, wtf?!  But, it's better than 1 or 2am.  I'll start gradually pushing it back in time.  And I wake up at 7am.  No matter how long the kids may sleep in - I get up at 7am.  And oh my god do I feel good.

2. No caffeine

After the urging of many of you, I've given up caffeine.  Not completely, but caffeine on a schedule at least.  I used to wake up and run directly for the coffee maker.  My routine was that I had to have my coffee before I did anything else.  What a bunch of bs.  I would have my coffee, check my facebook and before I knew what happened, it was an hour later and I'd accomplished nothing.  Not to mention I was becoming addicted.  Coffee at wake up, another by mid morning and by afternoon I was jonesing for a diet coke.  Plus, the jitters and mind racing - ugh!  My head feels so much clearer now.  If I feel like having a tea or coffee, I will.  But not because I "need" to or because it's my routine.  It will be because I enjoy the comfort, the warmth and the taste.

3. Just do it

As mentioned above - I had worked myself into a bad morning routine.  The sleep training book also taught me something else: the dramatic wake up.  Your body needs to know the difference between day and night in order to feel awake.  So, as soon as I wake up, I open the blinds and get to business.  Shoot yourself out of bed like a cannon.  Literally - run as far away from that cozy bed as possible.  The bed is evil.  Whatever I dread most about my day - I do first.  Get it out of the way and move on.  For me, it's the chores.  So, I start the dishwasher, put a load of laundry in, sweep the floors and tidy.  By 9am I feel like I've already accomplished something and can pat myself on the back.  If nothing else comes of today - the house started tidy (and then in 10 minutes the kids will come out and tear it apart again). Whatever you're dreading the most - that phone call you have to make, bathing the dog, figuring out what to do for dinner - whatever it is, big or small - just do it.


4. Pump up the sound

Silence makes me sleepy.  Sleepy = wanting to lay in bed.  Laying in bed = depressed.  So, as soon as I get up I turn on a high energy radio station or play my energy playlist from itunes.  Music just gives you that little extra hop in your step you need to keep going sometimes.


5. Manage expectations

I love making lists.  It gives me peace of mind so the thoughts aren't swirling in my head: "I must remember to...".  The downside of lists is at the end of the day, if you haven't scratched out most/all of them, you feel like a failure.  So, I've started to manage my expectations.  I used to try to do a billion errands with the kids in tow. Exhausting and frustrating.  Now I limit myself to one a day. One activity, one trip into a store, one visit with family or friends.  I also make a "today" to do list and a general to do list.  The "today" list is no more than 5 items (big or small) with the intention of the list being completely achievable.  If I think I "might" have time to do one thing or another - it doesn't go on the list.

6. Lighten up

Stop beating yourself up!  Man, I treat myself like crap.  It's horrible!  Comparing myself to other Moms constantly... "I bet so so and so made their kids a hot breakfast from scratch, you just gave the kids yogurt". Seriously Lindsay?  Seriously?  Way to go for "so and so", that's awesome, but it ain't me and it ain't gonna happen unless it's Xmas Day.  It's amazing the stuff we kick ourselves for without intentionally meaning to.  Also, if the day doesn't go as planned - so what?!  If you don't get everything on the list done today - so what?!  Life goes on.  You're still a good person, the kids love you, the world isn't going to end.

7. Take the good with the bad

Stuff happens.  That unexpected phone call from a family member saying they're on their way to hospital via ambulance.  Yup, I get that call every couple months and it throws my whole day out the window.  Hell, my whole week.  From that instant I know I've got an exhausting few days ahead of me - accept it and get on with it.

8. Get help

Alright, alright...you all pleaded with me to go back to the therapist.  So I am.  Once a month.  Sheesh, you guys sure love me.  xoxo

9. Step away from the idiot box

Both the tv and the computer are a complete time suck.  Spend more time rolling around on the floor playing with the kids and less time on your butt.  Or, crazy idea - read a book.  I had forgotten how relaxing it is to turn on some classical music, sip warm tea (decaf) and lose yourself in a book.  If you feel like watching tv, watch a movie.  Take time to "lose yourself" in a movie instead of watching a 30 minute show, then choosing another 30 minute show, then another.  Turn down the lights, make some popcorn and snuggle in with a pillow and blanket. That way, at least if you're in front of the idiot box, at least you are turning your brain off for a full 2 hours.

10. Positive reinforcement

Be kind to yourself.  Whatever you catch yourself beating yourself up about, turn it around.  For instance, I often catch myself saying I could be a better mom, wife, friend.  So, several times a day I make a point of telling myself "I'm a good Mom" etc.  It reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit where the guy looks in the mirror and says "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it I can..."  I don't remember the rest.  :)  You feel stupid doing it sometimes, but it makes a big difference in how you feel about yourself.

So there you have it.  I hope the list can help you in some way or another.  If nothing else, the list will be a reminder to myself to keep on track with good healthy habits.  I'm far from healed, but on the road to recovery at least.

Let's talk

First of all, I just wanted to say thank you so much for all the love I received after my last blog post.  The number of people who have shared their very personal stories with me has been staggering.  The words of encouragement and comfort have meant the world to me.  What has been most shocking is how many people said they have the same thoughts/problems and reading my words helped them to feel less isolated.  I started this blog as therapy for myself, but to hear I've helped someone else (even just a little bit) makes baring my heart to the world completely worthwhile.


Today is Bell Let's Talk day.  I have to say - Bell has hit the nail on the head with their campaign.  Talking about my anxiety and depression is the number one thing that makes me feel better.  Why?  Because letting go of the shame feels good.  1 in 5 Canadians will experience some form of mental illness in their lifetime, yet so few people talk about it.  The fear of being labelled "crazy" or "unstable" is always on my mind when I write this blog.  Depression should not be shameful.  It is a medical condition.  


I encourage you to follow this link and get some facts about depression. http://letstalk.bell.ca/en/perspective.php  Here are a couple stories I could relate to or was encouraged by:  http://youtu.be/Cv1p-yBolZ0  and http://youtu.be/PdDvrWiiXkY  


Today, for every text message sent and every long distance call made by Bell and Bell Aliant customers, Bell will donate 5 cents to mental health programs.


If you're struggling, tell someone.  Get help.  At any given time, almost 3 million Canadians have serious depression. You are NOT alone.  You'll be surprised how good it feels to come clean with yourself and those you love.  And the best part - the love you'll receive in return.

I'm struggling.

I feel completely bogged down by negative thoughts and flashbacks and I don't know how to rid myself of them.  There is no rhyme or reason to the memories that come up, but there is a common theme - it's always a memory that brings with it a feeling of shame, sorrow or regret.  More often than not, the flashbacks are of completely inconsequential moments in my life.  Something I said to someone that upon reflecting, I wonder if I offended them in some way.  Or something I did that I now feel was a mistake.

Everyone makes mistakes.  Everyone does things, thinks things, says things they regret.  But why do I have to relive those moments forever?  Why do they follow me with every step I take?  Why do they have to effect how I view myself and my abilities?  At what point can I forgive myself and just move on already?  I'm exhausted with the cycle and just want to get on with my life.

I've thought I need to make peace with each of the memories I seem to be reliving or with the people involved in the memories.  But the shear number of flashbacks I'm living through makes this task completely impossible.  Literally, hundreds a day.  The thoughts occupy not only my waking hours, but my sleep too.  Even after a full nights sleep, the bad dreams leave me so exhausted that I feel I haven't slept a wink. It's horrible and consequently makes me feel horrible about myself.

There are times I don't recognize the person I've become.  The Lindsay that exuded happiness and confidence still exists to the rest of the world, but inside I feel, well, numb.  Overcome.  Exhausted.  Helpless.  A victim.  For those that know me, I am not a victim.  I'm a proactive, take charge kinda gal.  But of late, these negative thoughts/memories are getting the best of me and I just don't know how to shake it and get back to loving myself.

How do you forgive and accept yourself?  Is there some sort of book that will guide me through this?  If I meditate for hours upon hours will I love myself again?  How do I shed this icky skin I'm carrying with me?  Suggestions welcome, I'm willing to do just about anything to feel like the old Lindsay again.

Ready to write...

Well, here I am.  Finally.  It has been over 12 years since I have written anything for the pure pleasure of it.  In high school I had my own column in the local newspaper for my small town.  Something called "teen beat" or something similarly goofy.  I wrote whatever I felt like that week and just put it out there into the world.  Looking back - it was incredibly brave to bare my soul to the world at such a young age. The truth of the matter is - for 12 years I have obsessed about things I said in those articles and it has made me gun shy about "baring all" again. I won't even go near the binder with the articles in it, let alone read an article. It frightens me.


Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm an open book.  Really, you could ask me just about anything and I'd lay out the honest truth to the question.  But, there's a lot that goes on in this brain of mine that I keep to myself of late.  A lot of anxious thoughts that I can't seem to sort out.  I'm medicated, I've done therapy, but nothing is helping these days.  In trying to find coping mechanisms for this anxiety, I remembered how good it used to feel when I wrote my column.  Just whatever came to mind - hammering it out on the keyboard and hitting send (well, actually...hitting save...to a floppy disk. OMG I'm getting old!).  Subsequently, I also remember the anxiety that came with reading the newspaper that week and wondering which of my fellow students (if any) read it too.  But, here's the thing - as years have gone by I've learned that more often than not, when you open up and share, the world helps you through.  The support you receive for your honesty, far outweighs any negative feedback you get back.


So, I'm going to plunge in and attempt to get "me" sorted out.  :)  Sometimes it might just be verbal diarrhea, sometimes kinda heavy, sometimes funny, sometimes just anxious rambling - I dunno what I'll write about.  I do know, however, that what I write will be from the heart, honest and frankly...for my own enjoyment and healing.  If it helps someone else going through a rough time with anxiety - awesome, but for the time being I'm gonna put it out there and see how it feels.  


Here goes nothing....